Chapter Twenty One

XXI

LETTERS

THE following are among the most striking of Teresa's letters, and need no comment. They are taken from the series written in obedience to Father Powell during the years 1879 to 1883, and give a deep insight into her spiritual history.

On July 16th, 1879, shortly after her first revelation with regard to the devotion to the Sacred Head, she wrote:

[9] "In obedience to your wish I write to let you know that that excessive darkness has again passed away.

"Yesterday at noon, when I was trying to say the Angelus, my poor soul was more afflicted I think than ever I had been before, when suddenly I felt myself drawn into God as it were even as the fish is in the water, and since I have been as it were overwhelmed with the presence of God — not by way of feeling the actual presence of our b. Lord in His glorified Humanity of which I have before spoken, but as all things are in God — so I feel myself engulfed in the most holy Trinity. Blessed be the most holy Trinity and undivided Unity now and forever more amen.

"I see how worthless is all of earth and how mean are the painted shadows which the world calls honours. I feel that I could endure the greatest torments and long to lay down my life in proof of my love for Him who alone is worthy of being loved.

"There is such a burning desire of the possession of God within me that it seems inwardly to consume me, and that pain is so great yet so sweet that I feel my poor heart is breaking, and my poor soul seems really as if it were striving to be released from the body, on which I feel I could inflict all kinds of tortures. Oh what a sink of misery and iniquity I am and how little I am able to do for our good God. I have noticed particularly of late, during dryness as well as at other times, when I see how little I am able to serve God and the souls for which He died, such trouble comes upon me that this anguish seems to tear my soul to pieces."

When she first went to Bootle, though she entered with so much zeal and interest on her new duties, her soul was suffering the most terrible desolation:

OCT. 1879

[20] "I am sure you will join with me in thanking our dear good God for His goodness to me and in asking Him to give me grace to cheerfully embrace all the desolation etc. which it shall please Him to send me. I know how unworthy and miserable a wretch I am and yet this does not move me. Neither His great love nor His awful bitter Passion make any impression. I seem to have no compassion or love for Him. It seems as if faith, hope, and charity were all dead — as if God had entirely abandoned me for my base ingratitude to Him, and all His favours are forgotten. I know how empty is all of earth and yet I am perfectly indifferent and insensible to Him who is my only Treasure. I am grateful to Him for giving me an opportunity of suffering something for Him and I wish to praise and bless Him if it should continue for ever. I know His grace is sufficient for me, and He will not try me above the strength He gives. But on the other hand you know as well as I do my infidelity and misery, and if He should leave me as I deserve, what would become of me? Everything I do seems done through habit and as it were an empty nut without any good in it. I remember Fr Wells telling me to be very calm at these times, but it is this very calmness and indifference that is now as it were a sword to punish me. Oh that I could only love Him, then every other trial would be as naught! May His holy Will be perfectly accomplished in me and His holy Name blessed for ever. I do not wish that He would lessen this hardest of all crosses. I have often complained to Him that he did not let me suffer for Him, and asked Him to give to others who knew Him not as I did the favours and consolations He gave to me (that so they might taste and love Him if only for that sweetness which surpasses all else) and give me instead a great spirit of self-denial, obedience and a more burning love of Him and His holy Cross. You said something last night about human consolation, but I think when it pleases Him to draw or hide Himself from the soul, nothing can console or comfort her..."

Father Powell having questioned her as to the way in which our Lord instructed her, she replied:

[34] "In the name of the most high God and in obedience to your wish, I will try and put into words that which our dear blessed Lord my Spouse and only Treasure, has made known to me, and as you asked me the other day in Confession how our b. Lord made these things known to me, I asked Him to let me know how these impressions or knowledge were conveyed to the soul. And this is what I understand: that, as I have said before, our b. Lord places in the very centre of the soul those things which He wishes her to know, without any words or image being formed, and this comparison will make clear I think what I mean — that as one looking glass casts those things that are reflected in it to another, so the soul being entirely in God, He impresses, infuses, or reflects in her what He desires she should learn. And sometimes He does this without the powers of the soul being suspended or the senses of the body being lost, certainly they are riveted so to speak and made to drink in whatever He desires. But oh my Father who shall find words to express the delight and glory the whole being enjoys at being thus instructed by so heavenly a tutor!

AMDG et in hon BVM et ST. J

"Jan 8 81

[77] "DEAR REV. FATHER,

"In honour of the Seat of divine Wisdom, and in the holy name of Jesus and Mary, and in obedience to your wish, I write of those things which it has pleased the All-wise to show me. Oh Spirit of wisdom and understanding help me, Jesus, my beloved Jesus, do for me what I am unable to do. Oh my Mother Mary, pray for me and watch over me for I am thy poor sick child.

"After five o'clock Mass on the Epiphany, in fact during the whole Mass, I was extremely recollected and I saw, as I have often done before, the great mysteries unveiled as it were, I mean as the angels and the blessed in heaven see these things in God in Trinity of Persons and unity of Essence. Oh most sublime and stupendous Sacrifice, oh unfathomable mysteries of wisdom, oh height and depth of immeasurable love, oh my God, how can I find words to express the least of what You have shown me? Oh most comforting and consoling mystery, for here we have a worthy return for all that God has given us, here we offer to the adorable Trinity a price which far exceeds all that God (though He is omnipotent) could bestow on any or all of His creatures united, His holy Mother and all the court of heaven included — nay if each favour was multiplied by the favours God ever has or will bestow on any or all His creatures, we still have a price to pay which far exceeds all. For we have the second Person of the blessed Trinity, the co-eternal Son of the Father, Jesus Christ, having the same substance as the Father etc.

"It seems to me that at holy Mass we are as it were almighty (not through any merit of our own — ah no for surely here we sink into utter nothingness, surrounded as we are with the overwhelming power and majesty of God) but on account of the greatness of our offering. Ah my Jesus Thou mightest well say: 'Ask and you shall receive', for all things else are only Thy gifts, but here we have You in person. Oh my Love, my Love, what can I say — all that I can say is that I can say nothing.

"Of this I have written before, so I think at least, but what I meant to write was what happened after. We had all to leave the church very shortly after the holy Sacrifice was over and I felt so sorry, but I went with the rest, and when I came in our dear Lord allowed me to see in the very centre of my heart as it were the divine Infant, I mean Himself in that form as the Light of lights, not in a corporal form but impressed on the heart and in the soul, so that I understood that He wished me to adore Him specially as the little Babe of Bethlehem. And so I tried to do with Mary and Joseph and begged of them to offer me to their Jesus and mine, and I offered to Him their ecstatic love, nay I tell Him that I love Him with the love of His own most sacred Heart (for He often shows me my poor heart lost in His adorable Heart as one tiny rain drop in the mighty ocean). I am afraid I am writing what has nothing to do with this great favour which our dear Lord in His wisdom and love has bestowed upon me and with which you know I have nothing to do.

"You understand the manner that our dear Lord showed Himself to me (I think) in some way the same as He forms those words which He from time to time speaks to the soul. His sacred Head was as it were the fountain of that flood of light in which He appeared to me, and I felt that He was glorifying the blessed Trinity in the resplendent light that was centred in the Seat of divine Wisdom and He was the Light that enlightened the Gentiles, and I thought this feast had a special connection with the Devotion to the sacred Head.

"Oh Seat of divine wisdom and guiding power which governs all the notions and love of the sacred Heart, may all minds know Thee, all hearts love Thee, and all tongues praise Thee now and forever more amen.

"Dear rev. Father, if I was not bound by holy obedience, I think I should really run away somewhere to hide, not that I think that you do not really know me as I am, but I feel at times that charity gilds my many faults and prevents you seeing me as I see myself. For some time past I seem to have forgotten myself, I mean my unfitness to teach others, but this evening for a short time I have looked into this pool of iniquity and see myself as I am. It seems to me that my Lord and my God hides from me myself that so I may open the eyes of the soul in Him and behold His awful purity, boundless majesty and infinite wisdom and love. Oh my God, that I had the voice and heart of men and angels to make Thee known to the whole world as Thou art that so we might all love Thee as Thou deservest.

"TERESA HIGGINSON
"Enfant de Marie."

LDS et hon BVM et ST J

AMDG et in hon BVM et ST J

FEB. 1881

[97] "DEAR REV. FATHER,

"In honour of the sacred Head and to the glory of the Sacred Heart, I write in obedience to your wish. Oh that I could find words adequately to express what I would say. You know it has pleased our dear divine Lord to allow me to suffer in part the agonies of the bitter Passion for some length of time (more acutely than usual) and for the past few weeks an inexpressible fear and dread of Lent has at times taken possession of me, yet how willingly I submit myself and how ardently I have longed for, and even anticipated them, He only knows. I sometimes fear too that my weakness may prevent me from bearing what His love would otherwise allow. But on Thursday 17th, during Benediction, I grew very weak and the suffering of soul and body increased, as I think I never experienced them before except in Holy Week. I begged the holy and strong God to help me to go out of church, I went at once to my room, and when I lay prostrate on the ground offered myself with our divine Spouse praying in the garden as a victim of expiation and reparation. Then our dear b. Lord opened the eyes of the soul to see clearly the sins and the punishment thereof I had taken on myself. I saw the awful purity of God which they had outraged and I felt how heavy was the arm of His divine justice, and I saw the excess of my own weakness and nothingness, and my heart sank within me and my will seemed to have no power to act. I may say I was completely overpowered and annihilated. I tried in my heart to say the Glory be to the Father etc. but ended with 'Thy holy Will be done!' I never experienced such a struggle before. I cried again and again: 'My God my God, why hast Thou forsaken me? Oh Mary, my Mother Mary!' But she too seemed deaf to my cry. I tried to say: 'Jesus my true, my only Love, I wish for naught but Thee. Behold me all Thine own my God, do what Thou wilt with me.' But I could not articulate a sound. Hell itself seemed let loose upon me tempting me to cowardice and despair. I tried to open wide my arms to show my ready willingness to accept all, for crushed down as I was beneath the weight of this seeming heavy cross I said: 'Thou too, oh Lord, didst fall beneath the weight of Thy cross, and by Thy falls on the way to Calvary I trust for strength and grace to rise and bear mine side by side with Thee.' Then I saw the holy angels of God coming to strengthen and comfort me, and my divine Spouse impressed these things in the very centre of my soul — that hitherto I had prayed and suffered with Him under the shade of the olive trees, now His love required that I should go forth with Him to be publicly crucified, but I was left at will to choose. Oh Lord, Thou knowest all things, how then canst Thou doubt my love for Thee? Oh how these words pierced my poor heart and soul, yet from them I gained strength and will to act as became the Spouse of a crucified Lord. I must now no longer look at all to myself but seek only His greater glory in all things. I am ready oh Lord, I am ready and waiting Thy holy Will. I may say that for several years I have experienced a crucifixion of body and heart, and I have tried to resign my poor miserable will to that of the great God of heaven and earth, but last Lent I experienced as it were a crucifixion of soul as well also, at least in part. You know words cannot express what I would say, but I know He who is the God of wisdom and understanding will give you to know what I have written in obedience. Pray dear rev. Father for your obedient and devoted child

"In the s. Head and s. Heart
"TERESA HIGGINSON
"Enfant de Marie."

AMDG et in hon BVM et ST. J

FEB. 28 81

[98] "DEAR REV. FATHER,

"In the holy Name of Jesus and Mary and in honour of the Seat of divine Wisdom and to the glory of the sacred Heart I write in obedience to your wish. On the evening of Thursday 24th, as soon as I went to my room I knelt down to say the sorrowful mysteries of the rosary, and our dear b. Lord really represented to the soul these dreadful mysteries in the manner that I described them last year. That is, while I actually gazed upon our dear b. Lord suffering these indescribable torments in soul, heart, mind and body, I also was allowed to partake in them (but in a greater degree than I have done before). Other years I have not been able to comprehend half so clearly the infinite attributes of God, His awful purity, justice love etc. nor the enormity of sin, and therefore I saw things only through a wall as it were; and I was completely overpowered with each individual sorrow of soul and anguish and suffering of mind and body, and I was as it were stupefied as to what was to come and I hardly realised the extent of suffering till it was past. And I see selfishness in those things which I had looked upon as entirely God's. I think I mourned more over my divine Spouse and the sins which caused His sufferings because I actually endured a little of the smart of those many, many wounds — I mean that I think I grieved for sin more on account of the pain I endured for it than because by it the awful majesty and beauty and love of God are outraged. Oh my Jesus, my Lord and my Love, make me all Thine own. You know how I now wish to suffer and love Thee, oh make me ever love Thee more and more.

"When I say that our dear Lord allowed me to see and to suffer in the mysteries of His bitter Passion, I do not mean all — I did not reach the top of Calvary, I saw nothing of the 10th or 11th station. I went with Him from the supper room. I saw Him crushed in anguish and agony in the garden. Oh my God, my God, my dear Jesus, Oh that I could help Thee loved One in Thine agony.

"Oh Eternal Father, behold the breaking Heart, the sorrow of that Holy Soul, the red drops that trickle down from every pore of His most sacred Body. Stay the arm of Thy divine Justice for already the price is more than paid for every erring soul. Oh eternal Father, remember it is Thy coeternal Son, He in whom Thou art well pleased. My God my God! When wilt Thou be appeased? Oh my Jesus, remember that Thou art the Almighty God. Oh Mary, where art thou? Ye angels, come and help Him. Oh love of God! Oh Sin, Sin...

"Dear rev. Father I was obliged to leave off. I could not write and I know not half I have said, but I saw Him fall and brutally kicked and dragged I was with Him all that night of untold horrors — denied by Peter, condemned to death. I saw Him fall beneath the cross, comforted by St. Veronica and the holy women, and I felt something of that sea of sorrow that inundated the souls and hearts of the Mother and the Son as they first met each other on this Way of the Cross. Oh my soul, how can I express these fathomless mysteries, so sublime, so dreadful and so unsupportable to human nature that nothing short of a miracle could enable us to endure in any way the smallest portion of them or the knowledge of them. As a tiny raindrop is to the mighty ocean, so is all I could say (or all the united sorrows and sufferings of every created being multiplied together) to the least of these impenetrable mysteries. Words here seem to lose all meaning, they are as so many ciphers. While almighty God allowed me to endure these sorrows of soul, desolation of spirit, anguish of heart and suffering in body, I saw at the same time the infinite homage that was paid in each to the infinite majesty of God, the graces that were to flow from this plentiful redemption, the souls saved, and the glory won for His elect. I saw the blood of martyrs flow, the tears of repentance glisten in many an eye. In short I have seen what these excruciating sufferings, this most precious Blood, has purchased for us and the infinite glory It renders to the adorable Trinity. I feel something of His thirst for souls, and, if it be to His glory and the good of souls, I would be content to suffer (as He alone knows I do) to the end of time. It seems to me as if each smart or suffering were a flame of fire consuming my whole being and at the same time supporting life, for I verily believe I could not now exist without this living death. Oh my Lord and my only Love, many things Thou hast given me but this I prize above them all. Oh Wisdom, oh Love, which is for ever contriving new ways and means of forcing us to love Thee more. Oh my Spouse and my Treasure, my crucified Jesus, give me suffering if it be Thy holy Will, not in proportion as I love Thee, but Lord as Thou lovest!

"Oh my Father, He has given me a greater portion of His bitter Passion than I am able to express. I used to think the sufferings of body were beyond expression far, but they are as naught in comparison with these other treasures He has entrusted to me. Oh my God, grant that I may not bury these talents but make them fruitful through Thy most precious Blood.

"These sufferings do not in any way stun the soul or stupefy the senses of the body. They open wide the eyes of the soul and quicken the senses, and it seems to me that this knowledge which it brings is the very cause of greater suffering and makes us thirst for more. It appears that when we are thus suffering with our dear b. Lord, we become as it were one with Him so entirely that human nature hardly exists, if I may so speak, for it is facsimile with that which happens in time of consolation, though the effect differs. I do not seem to regain my strength from one week to the other. I have been rather uneasy at missing holy Mass so often lately, for I see so clearly the inestimable value of one holy Sacrifice I feel that I should not miss it even if I had to crawl on my hands and knees, and yet I feel I am not able. May He who is the almighty God bless and reward you for all your care and kindness to me His poor miserable child.

"I have been permitted to endure different parts of His dolorous Passion all the week, and my head bleeds more frequently than it ever has before. I have also been taken up, I do not know where, but so that I looked down upon the earth as I have mentioned before, and I have seen the infinite wisdom and love of God in a most extraordinary way. I felt the clouds beneath my feet and saw many holy spirits going backwards and forwards to the earth, some bearing censers and other caskets, and some fire etc. I know not what it means, I was as it were annihilated. Oh my God, my God, have mercy and pity upon us whom Thou hast redeemed with Thy most precious Blood. Begging your blessing etc. I remain dear rev. Father

"your obedient and devoted child
"in the s. Head and s. Heart
"TERESA HIGGINSON
"Enfant de Marie"

LDS et hon BVM et ST J

"169 ST. JOHN'S ROAD
"BOOTLE SEPT. 23RD 1881

[111] "DEAR REV. FATHER,

"In the holy name of Jesus and Mary and in obedience to your wish, I will try and explain as far as I can the state in which it has pleased our dear Lord to bring my poor soul, and I trust in the infinite Wisdom of His sacred Head for light and knowledge to do as you require.

I think I have before written how the soul suffers a pang beyond that which the lost soul feels in being obliged to remain in the awful purity, the dread justice and infinite knowledge of the all powerful God. Here it seems to me that the whole being is crushed as it were into nothingness, and if it were possible for the immortal soul to perish it would do so in an instant. And she feels she would gladly suffer the pains of every mortal suffering for ever (rather) than endure the searching gaze of that allseeing and knowing Eye for an instant, and it seems too that eternity has really commenced with her, her suffering is so great and it seems to have lasted so long, for she forgets everything although she knows fully all that God has done for her. I mean it seems only to be an additional pain to her. She sees herself wrapped closely round with the punishment of mortal sins taken upon herself (and this she feels and knows, as God only shows in this particular light what each individual and all the malice of the united guilt is before Him), and yet pains that in the excessive love and mercy of His compassionate Heart He allows her to suffer, she now feels a burden beyond endurance. She trembles and dreads beyond description the favours He allows and gives to her. I mean when He would embrace her as it were, the thorny crown seems to pierce too deeply her aching brow, and the flame of fire which consumes His sacred Heart to burn too acutely. I mean that sword of fire (typified by the angel of old guarding the entrance to the terrestrial Paradise) seems to cut too deeply her cold and cowardly heart, the nails seem too coarse and she quivers at the very thought of them fastening her to the cross which seems far too heavy for her to carry. I mean in other words that, though she has a burning desire to suffer and die with her Lord and Spouse, she feels she has no energy, no real love, no generosity, she is a base coward. And though she tries to comfort herself by telling our dear Lord that He too fell beneath the cross, and that before He died He raised one loud cry for pity and compassion, yet her very words turn into so many spears to rend her heart and soul. She cannot look to God for consolation, for He alone seems to be the cause of her suffering. She desires to come to Him, but she is held back as it were with the dread of this overwhelming awe of His infinite wisdom, knowledge, purity and justice, and she feels too His very love and mercy must bid her depart from Him whom she knows to be her only Treasure, her only Love. Oh, I know not in what words to express this most terrible and excruciating pain which God can cause the soul to suffer, and she knows that He permits it also, so that He may fit her for the place He has prepared for her from the beginning."

JAN 7. 1882

[17] "The last two or three weeks our dear b. Lord has from time to time inundated my whole being with such a celestial sweetness, a holy joy which is I think a foretaste of that everlasting bliss which He has purchased for us in His Kingdom and is inexpressible in words, and we must feel it to understand it. One second of this delight is more than sufficient to repay a thousandfold the services of a long life. Here all care, sorrow and suffering are entirely forgotten, great desires rise up in the soul, and above all a power to act which could not otherwise be acquired, and things are made easy which before we were hardly able to think of.

"I was very recollected all the evening and those weaknesses kept coming upon me and I felt that I could not wait till morning for holy Communion, I felt almost dying of desire of Him. I may have begged of our dear b. Lady to come and give Him to me, but I really do not know, when all at once I felt crushed into nothingness, as it were — almost annihilated in the awful majesty of His glory. I do not mean that there is a confusion in the soul — no, that which was calmness before is made more calm — and peace which He alone can give with a wonderful light of knowledge deluged my poor soul. I understood that Jesus the divine Infant had really personally come to visit me and that Mary had brought Him, and I knew I felt that He desired to come to me. I would not dare to hold Him, but stretching out His infant arms I felt the thrill and pressure of His sacred lips, my whole being was lost in His infinite beauty and love. I know not how long He thus remained with me. I think I lose sight of Him that so I may enjoy Him and admire His infinite perfections and praise His excessive love and goodness to me. But I notice that I always lose sight of Him or am lost in Him that I may enjoy Him, and little by little those divine truths He has taught come before the mind. But I am not able to do much for some time, for I find myself every now and then quite absorbed in His greatness, and it is only at intervals that I can consider these things. And if I wish to express His praises, I find myself unable even to utter one word, my poor heart is too full to speak. And as I held Him, the eternal Son of God and Mary's Son, our dear little infant Jesus, that instant I perceived these words infused into the very centre of my soul: 'Take courage my loved One, for the Seat of divine Wisdom will be known, praised and adored as I wish, and I will glorify my Name in thee.'

"I am all Thine, oh my beloved Jesus, do with me what Thou wilt. Remember too, oh Lord, all my misery, that I am but dust and ashes, the very slime of the earth, and pity me. Oh that I could do something to honour and glorify Thee, for Thou art my Lord and my God. The feeling I experienced when I felt His divine touch was the same as when it pleases our divine Lord that the sacred Host should dissolve into His most precious Blood. I think by this you will understand me."

AMDG et in hon BVM et ST. J

"AP. 1882

[122] "Oh Wisdom of the sacred Head guide us in all our ways.

"Oh Love of the sacred Heart consume us with Thy fire.

"DEAR REV. FATHER,

"In the holy Name of Jesus and Mary and in obedience I will try and write something of that which it pleased our dear b. Lord to show me concerning the excessive sufferings He endured for us in His holy Soul, and yet I feel that I cannot say anything, for I do not know anything when speaking of the bodily agonies of Jesus in His awful bitter Passion — human words long since dwindled into ciphers. How then can I speak of the sufferings of soul which the living God declared was sorrowful unto death, for they are too deep to express and too excessive for us to understand.

"Of course we know that all the atrocities and outrages, all the tortures and agonies He endured in His adorable Body were but a faint shadow of what was being effected in the powers of His holy Soul, and yet these bodily sufferings were so great that it is not given to the mind of man to comprehend.

"It seems to me that when almighty God pleases that a soul should be instructed in these fearful mysteries, He draws that soul in a wonderful manner into Himself, giving it a supernatural life and endurance and that the understanding is not able to comprehend at all. All I know is that I do not know anything. It is as the Apostle says: 'Eye hath not seen nor ear heard, nor hath it entered into the heart of man to conceive.'

"It was in His adorable Soul that Jesus endured a torture equal to the eternal punishment due to each separate mortal sin, and the exact suffering and torment appointed for each peculiar mortal sin. I mean each kind of sin has a special punishment, and He endured each and all collectively.

"We often witness the effect produced by the meeting of bodies of different natures: see the explosion caused by the meeting of two gases of opposite natures; see how a little water flowing into the fire in the earth's centre causes earthquakes etc. But are they as opposite as infinite Holiness and Purity are to mortal sin? Think then how the Soul and Heart of Jesus the Man God were torn asunder, what a rending of His whole being took place when He clothed Himself with the iniquities of the whole world. Oh my God, my God.

"I do not know what to give as a comparison. As flowers have different scents and colours, so have different sins horrible stenches each according to its kind, and I verily believe that if almighty God allowed the stench of one mortal sin of impurity to be felt upon the earth, everything would be poisoned by its foulness. Oh how horrible is the disgust felt even by us poor sinners when we take upon ourselves the sins of others — if we were to wrap ourselves up in a decomposed body, what a terrible loathing we should experience, and yet this is nothing compared to the loathing disgust the soul endures, for the senses of the body cannot convey the smallest idea what the sensitive part of the soul is capable of enduring. So all that any human being could suffer would be but as a grain of sand compared to the whole earth, there is such a difference between our dear b. Lord and ourselves, but as our understanding is so finite we feel obliged to make these comparisons to be understood.

"Think of the terror of the soul that departs this life in mortal sin as it stands before the allpure God to be judged. Oh what a terror filled the Soul of Jesus as He took upon Himself the sins of the whole world and not only stood before, but was actually drawn into, the infinite purity and infinite justice of His eternal Father. His understanding comprehended God in the very essence, knew His infinite purity, dread holiness, and strict justice on one hand, and He saw sin as He only can see it in all its infinite malice on the other, and knew that He must pay to the last farthing. He knew the hatred the adorable Trinity have for sin and read its punishment in God. He knew the base ingratitude of sinners and the cowardice of His friends. He saw the whole of Hell let loose against Him: but what are all these? They are as nothing beside the suffering inflicted by the impress of the Finger of God's justice upon Him, for He writhed in agony of Soul beneath its touch. He was drawn into the divine Justice — all the weight of His wrath was upon Him. The floodgates of heaven were opened and the fountains of the great deep broken up and the torrent of God's vengeance rushed in upon Him, His thunderbolts were hurled against Him — Oh my God, Thy very words are works and what Thou dost is well done. When Hell was created to punish sin, how well qualified it was to do its work! But this is but a creature, but here God Himself touches the soul with the intent to cause it to suffer, how then can one be compared to the other, only so far as to say, as the Creator is above the creature, so is the suffering caused by one above the other, and beside this the flames of Hell grow cold. Oh, it really seems to me that these excesses are beyond the understanding of man, we have no words to speak, here the soul is launched out into the infinity of God and we know not really what we know, or as I said before we do not know anything.

"We may look at the external sufferings of our dear b. Lord during His awful bitter passion and see how each different agony is but a faint shadow of what is being effected in His holy Soul sorrowful unto death — see something of the dread — of His fear — something of His thirst for souls and the glory of His Father — something of the rending of His Heart and Soul — something of His love.

"Oh, the more God teaches us the less we can say, and that is why Mary was so silent. Her soul and heart were too full to speak, and I think she would not have lived if she had tried to speak.

"Oh my Father, you may think it very strange of me to write as I have, but you know my ignorance, you know my misery and I fear not to tell you, for I have asked Him who is the Wisdom of the Father to do that which I am unable to do and so He knows all. It seems strange that I should say God allowed me to partake more deeply in the agonies of His passion this year than ever, yet not be able to say even what I experienced, yet so it is. This year I had a terrible hard and dry passion, a passion of soul which none but He who graciously permitted it will ever realise. May His holy Name be blessed for ever. I do not think it is befitting that I should speak here about the temptations etc. which it pleased our dear Lord I should pass through, but I will finish about myself in the other letter and give it you in the morning or tonight.

"It seems as though the soul was rent asunder from the body and certainly I seemed to suffer more than the agonies of death. That was why I said to you about dying. Oh how terrible is God in His infinite justice and awful Purity.

"But on Holy Saturday the stone seemed rolled away from my poor soul and I began to feel the joys of the Resurrection, though not so fully as on Easter Sunday, but I will write all in detail.

"Begging your prayers and blessing

"I remain dear rev. Father
"Your obedient and devoted child in the s. Head and s. Heart

"TERESA HIGGINSON
"Enfant de Marie"

"BOOTLE
"Ap. 20TH 1882

[123] "In the holy Name of Jesus and in obedience I write of the light and joy which saturate my whole being through and through, for the Lord is truly risen. Alleluiah! Alleluiah! Alleluiah!

"Oh my Lord and Master, my Spouse and only Treasure, it seems that Thou art determined to make up to the soul that has suffered anything for Thee in a most extraordinary manner and to prove to it that Thou art the everlasting King of glory. Oh Jesus, my beloved Jesus, who can find words to express the majesty and glory, the beautiful splendour of Thy light? Oh Light which enlightens me and dispels all darkness, Thou hast filled me to overflow and shown me the excessive power and strength with which Thou didst conquer death and Hell and the glory of Thy sacred Humanity after Thy Resurrection, and it seems that Thou wishest to teach me what little power the devils have in comparison with Thine and I think that unless Thou didst give that supernatural life and endurance I have before spoken of it would be impossible for us to live under it.

"I told you I think dear rev. Father that our dear b. Lord gave me holy Communion on Holy Saturday morning. It was I think between five and six. Our dear Lord had represented Himself to my poor soul as I have before explained by a great brightness, a light and glory which surpasses all understanding, and although no image is really formed, yet the soul understands very clearly that it is Jesus the mighty God who fills her whole being and draws her into Himself. Here He teaches her the secrets of His sacred Head and the love of His sacred Heart, and, as the soul comes again to herself, she employs herself as a busy bee sucking in the sweetness of those heavenly flowers which Jesus her divine Spouse has given to her, and she basks in the sunlight of His presence. Oh I really felt that the stone was rolled away and that Jesus had arisen in the majesty of His glory in my poor soul. Oh, no one can tell of the annihilation of the whole being that takes place at these times no more than they can speak of the peace, joy and blessedness which always follows. Of course the body becomes dead as it were, and in my weakness I begged for one crumb from His table. Oh such a strong love for Him and His glory, such a power to conquer every obstacle that came between Him and me, and such a desire for those souls which He loves so tenderly rushed into my whole being as a tidal wave that I felt I could not exist if He did not come at once and dwell sacramentally with me. And He who desires and loves to reign in the hearts of His little ones opened His heavens and descended and gave Himself really and truly to me in holy Communion. He imprints His desire to give Himself to me upon my poor soul and then I really can feel that the sacred Host is placed upon my tongue just as though you had given me holy Communion, and I entertain Him as I always do after holy Communion, and I felt that the sacred Host dissolved into precious Blood and as a fountain of living water refreshed my whole being. Of course you know how weak I was and my tongue so swollen that I could not speak or move it, yet when I had made my thanksgiving I was able to get up and dress myself and go into church for the Holy Saturday Service. I asked our dear Lord to remind me that I had been to holy Communion, for I do not like to do anything the Church does not allow. But before holy Mass commenced I was begging of Him to come and feed me with His adorable Body and slake the burning thirst that consumed me with His most precious Blood, and I thought every moment an age till the time for holy Communion, and then I went and received again, I was so filled with desire for Him that I forgot even the great favour He had bestowed upon me. Oh my Father, I really cannot control these desires in the least, I feel melted as it were in His presence, and as much as Jesus allows the soul to experience when drawn into His infinite justice, so now He pours into her all sweetness and delights. He satisfies her every desire. He kisses her as it were with the kiss of peace. He has taught me the emptiness of earthly pleasures, and let me see it is folly to heed the opinions of men; whether they praise or disapprove, they are as an empty blast that passes and leaves no trace behind. His glory is the only thing to be considered and the good of souls. Oh souls for which Jesus shed the last drop of His Precious Blood, how great is your worth!"